Closer or Farther Apart?

It’s just after two on a very early Friday morning. Summer has just ended and the moon is out in almost-full effect. I am waiting by the phone to hear from my boyfriend - at least I believe he still holds such a title.

We had an argument last night over Facebook issues, something I’d seen happen to other people back when I was ‘single’ on the site. Now I am one of those people who bickers over ex-flames on the friend list and suspicious of messages and comments posted - as well as why he won’t reaccept my ‘is in a relationship with...’ request. It’s been sitting there for days. Why does he want everyone to think he’s not involved?

Normally, such petty things wouldn’t bother me too much, but this isn’t a normal situation for me anymore. I will bring up why that is in a minute.

Over the last few weeks of our relationship, we have been arguing more and more. There have been insults and snide remarks, threats to leave or to throw out the other person, and break-ups.

The relation-ship was on a stormy course, but it wasn’t always so. My boyfriend and I got along famously in the beginning. Sure, we still have our famous moments but those moments are now accompanied by ‘infamous’ ones as well.

The moments filled with jealousy and the paranoia are the worst, and only lead to more fighting, hurt feelings, and low self-esteem. These fights cause me to think “I just don’t want to do this anymore.” I am sure he’s felt the same way, too.  But our relationship isn’t that easy to walk away from. We love each other and we try and try again to pull through all those storms, but what will happen when we cannot try anymore?

We break up?

I cannot imagine a life without him. Actually, I do not want to imagine one.

I never wanted to give up on our relationship, in spite of the negative aspects of it. There are a lot more positives to outweigh the negative. I have kept my sight on the positive for a long time, but recently I’ve noticed my vision getting a little hazy. All the good things were shifting out of focus and I was ready to throw in the towel for good. And after all the arguments and mood swings, so was he…

It took a few weeks to learn the reason behind all of our new found arguments and the lack of will to carry on this relationship - and that reason came in the form of a First Response pregnancy test.

I had suspected it all along, mainly because even I, myself, was surprised at my seemingly heightened emotional responses and my unpredictable mood-swings. I had witnessed my sister flip out on her then-boyfriend plenty of times back when she was unknowingly three weeks pregnant. (Also, the absence of a monthly visitor gave it away near the end.)

My boyfriend and I had gotten pregnant in the middle of our already-tumultuous relationship.
I was an even mixture of happy to be carrying the child of the one I love, and being totally terrified at the prospect of becoming a mother.

To be honest, it is more so the prospect of becoming a ‘single mother’ that has me scared.

I am not trying to stereotype other Anishinabe women, but from what I’ve seen happen to a large part of my friends and family members - I can’t help but worry that I, too, will become a single mother.

If my partner and I were fighting that much during the first four weeks since conception, how would we manage to get through the remaining eight months? Not to mention, how are we to get through raising our child for the rest of his or her life? Is it strictly hormones that are causing these tiffs to be so dramatic and needlessly complicated, or are we just not a good fit anymore?

I have become anxious and paranoid, and also very depressed because of the thought of having to do this alone. These feelings, I’ve recently learned, are normal for pregnant women and should pass as the hormones level out later on in the pregnancy. But what if he and I aren’t left standing together when the dust clears after another argument?

I am not a fan of these hormones. Sure they give me a lot of emotions to put into writing, but they are not helping my relationship – a relationship that was already rocky to begin with. We hadn’t had enough time to really work things out together to function properly as a couple before we wound up pregnant.

I can’t help but wonder if our relationship is even working if we have to work this hard (sometimes.)

There are other questions plaguing my hormone-troubled mind. Is it healthy to stay in a shaky relationship for the sake of a baby? Will this child bring us closer together or drive us apart? Can we pull through this together and stay in love to start our new family? Is he only with me still because I am pregnant? Am I only with him because I am pregnant?

“Only time will tell.” Those words are infuriating when I want to know now.

I know pregnancy is something to be celebrated, and I am happy with the news, but a part of me wishes that we would’ve waited until we were more prepared for this. There are things that we still have to do in order to have a nice life together; finish school, choose a career, buy a car, find a nice home to call our own. The fact that we are bringing a child into our lives at this point, a point where neither have us have fully grown-up yet, only makes it a little harder to accomplish such things. We will have to sacrifice a lot if we want to do this together and be successful.

I know it’s not impossible to raise a child on your own, but I would much rather have a partner by my side. More importantly, I want a partner who wants to be there by my side as well. The arguments and the anxiety only make that outcome seem less likely to me and my pregnant mind and emotions.

Now that I’ve come to the end of my story, my boyfriend hasn’t called and it is four in the morning. I should be sleeping now but it is hard to do so alone, especially after spending the last few months with the one I love every night. I find some solace in the fact that I am not actually alone - I have a life growing inside of me to keep me company.

There aren’t too many words of advice I can give to young females out there without sounding like a hypocrite, but sometimes it’s better to just wait to take the next step in any relationship you have, at least until you’ve finished school. This can mean either practicing abstinence or utilizing a reliable form of birth control until you and your partner are ready to take that next step together.

As for my boyfriend (if he still holds the title) and I, we will either work things out and do this together to become a family, or we will fall to the wayside and become another failed couple with a child.

I don’t have to say which outcome I am gunning for. If it’s the latter, then at least by the end of my pregnancy I will always have someone in my life who needs me and who loves me anyway.

And that is worth all the hardships I may or may not have to face alone.

Editors note: While she came to SEVEN with the intention of publicly sharing her fears and vulnerabilities with our audience, SEVEN has decided to keep the young woman’s identity anonymous out of respect. SEVEN would also like to thank her for having the courage to come forward and share her story so honestly and openly.