Breaking the silence

Melanie Rickard Contributor

Over the past six years, I have embarked on a journey of self discovery and realization that has allowed me to grow immensely as an individual and gain insight from the experiences of my past as well as the teachings that have brought me to this present day. It has enabled me to express myself in ways of deep thought and passion for the things that affect me most and my story serves as a reflection of the devastating tragedy that has taken the lives of many youth in my home community as a result of numerous suicide and suicide attempts in the early months of 2009.

As much as I have expressed my personal feelings towards this issue that has overwhelmed and caused a tremendous impact among our people, I felt that there needed to be some sort of intervention as a whole.

I wanted to raise awareness on the issues that are continuously changing the lives of Aboriginal youth everywhere and part is due to the lack of knowledge and understanding of their history.

Although I am no longer living in the community, I desperately felt the need to do my part as it is still my home. Not only is it my home, it is a part of my history. And a part of that history is being the child of parents who were in the Residential School system during the late 1950s, early 60s.

After learning of the experiences that have affected Aboriginal children across this Nation, I’ve come to realize that all generations thereafter are still and will continue to suffer the effects it has left behind. In writing my story, it gave me a chance to share what I have come to know and believe as a survivor. It is time to break the silence in our First Nations in order to save the lives of future leaders.

There is so much I want to say that I don’t know where to begin.

Thoughts of heartache and sadness fi ll my soul to the point of eruption in the very core of my being that there is nothing left for me to do but cry. Cry for the ones I’ve lost in my lifetime and cry for those who have chosen to leave our community and this earth before their time. But then, I realize that no matter who you are or where you come from, whether related or not, your heart still breaks because one way or another that person has been apart of your life at some point. It can be through friends and their families, classmates, teammates, it can also be someone who once was an enemy. When you grow up in such a tight knit community it’s impossible to not be affected by tragedy in some way. It’s only then you remember those particular moments that connect you to that person and how they’ve touched your life. It doesn’t matter whether it was good or bad, you realize that what matters to you is that you were given the opportunity to know a part of them. And along this journey we call life, those people who have touched our lives have either taught us something about them or ourselves. We are continuously shaping the lives of one another by the experiences we’ve had.

With that being said, we begin to ask ourselves WHY? Why did our loved ones chose to leave us?

Why did they chose to end their lives and leave the people who loved them dearly? Unfortunately, we may never know. The only thing we know is what we feel in our own hearts and that is the only place where we can build the strength to let go and move forward. But the truth is, we can never let go. It will never leave our hearts. You can be angry to the point in which it begins to aff ect your life negatively and resort to taking another drink or snorting another line to numb the pain. Or you can chose to forgive them for leaving and forgive yourself for feelings of regret of things you wished you could have done or things that you could’ve said. But the best thing we can do is come to realize that in the eyes of the Creator we are all created equal. We all come from somewhere and we are all children of someone. We are no diff erent from each other and nobody is better than the other.

We all have minds that think, eyes that see, and hearts that feel, and we all breathe the same air! Most of all, in all the madness this life brings we need to have love, give love, and be loved...because without that, one can feel lost.

It’s time for the silence to be broken. It’s time for us to open our eyes and our hearts in order to have a better understanding of what has shook our world. There is a reason behind everything.

People have to take the negative energy and use it in a positive way by educating themselves.

Find out who you are and where you come from. There is a deeper story to what you already know and it goes as far back as you can imagine. A good starting point can be during a time of genocide that was inflicted upon our people. Our mothers, our fathers, our grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters and cousins. The generations of children following those of the Residential School need to have healing through the knowledge and understanding of what really happened to their mothers and fathers and so on. Because in reality, we are all suffering and we are all survivors of the lasting effects left upon us such as the loss of identity through our traditions and our mother tongue. We have no choice but to face it because it will continue for the rest of our lives and for the generations to come. It is a fact, there is no escaping it! You can run from it but you can’t hide from it and it can continue to haunt you the rest of your life or you can share it with the ones you love and begin the healing process by not being afraid. By being afraid you are letting those win. Those who planted the seed of fear in your mind. Those who took you from your homes. Those who didn’t allow you to see your parents for months at a time. Those who didn’t allow you to hug your brothers and sisters. Those who didn’t let you speak your own language or even show any sort of emotion or you’d be beaten.

Those who have tortured you and did unthinkable things to hurt you and broke your spirit. Because behind every spirit is a heart and that is the one thing they couldn’t touch because it shows by the children who have been brought into this world by the love we have in our hearts.

One thing we all need to understand is that we have the ability to seek the answers to our questions. It’s just a matter of building up the courage to speak up and ask. The longer things are being swept under the rug, the less stable it becomes. Then before you know it everything crashes down and breaks. People need to know the truth. Facts need to be shown and it needs to be done in a way that proves to cause an impact. An impact that can lead to one wanting to gain insight and knowledge of why things are the way they are or why things happen the way they do. In the process you can make connections and build relationships with those around you and you’d be surprised at how much other people are just like you.

I can guarantee you that just because you don’t run in the same social circles as others, the same religious practices as others, or the same level in society whether you’re wealthy or poor, doesn’t mean you don’t share the same ideas. We can all learn from each other in any shape or form and we can all benefit from one another by working together to make something great for our children and grandchildren to live by. All you have to do is believe.

I was lucky enough to realize and accept so many things in my life by taking myself out of the environment in which our community lives in and for the first time I was able to see things for what they really were with a clear and open mind. I began the journey of discovering who I was, where I came from, and where I want to be simply because I made the sacrifice a lot of people are often afraid to take because of the anxiety or fear of being away from family or friends. And as long as I walk this earth I will continue to learn and teach myself.

A big part of that courage came from also being afraid for my life, which was nearly taken from me from an abusive relationship. I was dying inside and needed to escape because I didn’t feel safe or protected in my own community.

Ironic isn’t it? I felt safer in a society that took things more seriously and punishment wasn’t given lightly. But during all the chaos of trying to go to school and begin a fresh start, I didn’t know that I would be faced with the truth behind all of what was happening in my life and why.

Leaving my hometown was one of the best things I chose to do in my life because it has allowed me to grow and have a deeper appreciation for life and the people in it. Just because one is away for so long doesn’t mean they aren’t affected by all that happens. In fact, it affects us more than you think because no matter where you go or how far you are there will always be a connection to where you come from by the history you’ve made there. Therefore at times it becomes extremely hard when you’re not able to grieve with the ones you care about and love. But, it is a sacrifice you make.

When my dad Harry used to tell me that being away from home in times of need during times of loss are twice as hard, I can honestly say I now know and understand why he said that because I feel it to the depths of my soul.

Even though we all may not see each other or hear from one another doesn’t necessarily mean our thoughts aren’t there. To all of those who continue to live their lives back home or elsewhere, relations or not, my heart is with you and I wish nothing but the best for all of you. One way or another we are all family by the relationships we’ve built with the legacy our ancestors have allowed us to continue. Cherish one another without criticism or judgment because when looking at another, you are looking in the mirror. We come from the same place, the same parents, grandparents, the same ancestors, one in which they struggled to sustain because it was ripped from their hands and their hearts. It’ s time to make them proud and take a stand to fight for our lives and the lives of our loved ones. Its time to put a stop to the abuse that is killing our people!